Your Move, Dallas

With the Lakers stealing Gasol, the Suns getting the broken-down jalopy known as Shaq, and the Spurs getting...well, no one, but they're the SPURS...today NBA fans shifted their collective eyes to the Dallas Mavericks and wondered what the notoriously soft franchise would do to stay in the hunt. I still think Mark Cuban mowing down the other teams' best players with a machine gun like the end of Scarface is an option, but I appear to be alone on this one.

It was not too long ago that we were all discussing the inevitable trade that would send Kidd to the Mavs, a bunch of talented bench players to the Nets, and the cosby kid known as Devin Harris to the Blazers, but I haven't heard about that trade for a while which means the deal probably got more complicated. How could it NOT get more complicated? With the Suns and Lakers making such big deals, you know the Nets and Blazers (along with everyone in America) sensed the Mavs desperation. When trade partners sense desperation, they ask for more in compensation, and when that happens people start giving the finger and mooning each other angrily and it all goes to hell. I have had games of Uno end this way.

So what do the Mavs do now?

To the Mavericks I say take please page out of Frankie Goes To Hollywood and RELAX. While the media is going crazy over these acquisitions, take a moment to actually look at what you have around you: Your team is doing quite well this season. You have two promising stars that are getting better every year in Josh Howard and Devin Harris. If choker Peyton Manning and borderline special-ed Eli Manning can each win a championship, then Dirk can too.

"But what of the other teams?! What of their moves?!" you ask, slowly before I smile and pee on your shoes. To this I also say RELAX.

While Pau Gasol was a completely amazing bit of thievery even the hamburgular was impressed with, the Lakers still have Andrew Bynum on the mend and need everyone else to step up a bit who isn't named Kobe. I call them the Celtics West in that they need the other players around them to prove their worth before I can consider them even a "team" let alone one who can beat other good "teams" in the playoffs like the Spurs and Pistons. Out of all of their players, I consider Lamar Odom the real wild card as to whether this team has enough punch to be a potential dynasty or yet another pretender.

As for the Suns, the Shaq move could turn out well for them...but more likely than not we will see fat kids from Shaq's Big Challenge crying on the sidelines when the big guy sits out his 12th straight game. Even Nets President Rod Thorn doesn't think Shaq is any good and his team is making 8-game losing streaks and bad signings (Hey, resigning Vince Carter is a graaaaand idea!) look easy! To quote Thorn:

"What was Shaq going to do for us? Absolutely nothing."

And for the Spurs, I see this as the year they finally begin to show their age in the playoffs and fail to win the title. Yes, people have been saying that for a while, but I have been keeping hope alive with that team and am finally at the point where I can logically say, "I think the decline will begin now." Yes, I am actually declaring firmly that the Spurs will not win this season. It was, after all, about 80 years ago that Brent Barry was in that slam dunk competition. If you don't remember what I'm talking about, ask your grandparents about it.

Knowing the morons running a lot of these franchises, the Mavs will probably wind up pulling the trigger on a bad deal which involves their young stars instead of finding a way to get Eric Dampier the hell out of there. Still, if they don't do anything I don't mind saying that I feel they have a fighting chance. -After all, I DID predict they'd win it all this year over Detroit.

Still, just to be safe, keep any and all firearms away from Mark Cuban.