BALTIMORE, Maryland - Mel Kiper, useful to the general public for a few days in April during the NFL draft, is currently at the height of his uselessness.
"I honestly can't wait to infect people's television screens with my holier-than-thou conclusions involving boom-or-bust college players. It's been rough to not pass judgement on anyone in a loud, opinionated, staccato voice. Still, I remain patient and will wait with honor and grace for my chance to be on every screen in America."
Kiper was oblivious to how this statement was full of douchebagginess.
To continue the period, described by many as "Asshole Hibernation", Kiper has taken to adding his insights to everyday topics.
"Today I had a salami sandwich. It was a thin, robust salami, red in complexion and lean in fat and high on taste. It is made in a province in Italy, sliced by the finest craftsmen, and made specifically for consumption by those with discerning tastes. Figuratively, this salami runs a 4.4 40 down my throat and into my belly. Don't give me any of that "bologna" should go #1 on the list of deli meats. Mark my words: Salami will produce. It will produce great taste, and firm stool."