ORLANDO, Florida - Tiger Woods spoke at length to reporters today, saying that despite his past transgressions, things have been going well in his family. He also reiterated his wife was not the cause of his car accident, but rather the hero of the moment.
"I would be in bad shape today if I didn't have my loyal wife there that day. Thanks to her taking a 7-iron and repeatedly swinging it into my skull, I was able to get into my car and hit a tree instead of swerving and crashing directly into a house, potentially killing up to 20 people (if they were having a party)", Woods said.
"You all are thinking that because I banged a few luscious brunettes that there is trouble in the Woods household. This could not be further from the truth. I wish everyone had a strong woman in their life, who was capable of taking in their husband during a moment of weakness, cradling him in her arms, and then hammering a blunt metal stick of death into his face. It's nothing short of beautiful."
Woods then saw a passerby with long blonde hair, screamed, and hid in the bushes.
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