Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Weis Considers Bell-Ringing Job At Original Notre Dame

PARIS, France - In the wake of his firing from the University of Notre Dame, who finished this past season 6-6, several sources are reporting that Charlie Weis will board a private jet to France to sign a lucrative deal with clergy officials to be their bell-ringer through 2013.

"Ever since the death of Quasimodo in the 1830's, our esteemed chapel has been without a tubby, ineffective man to ring our bells. We believe that Charlie Weis, with his immense size, unfortunate countenance, and knowledge of pro-style offensive formations can help us greatly in this area", said Cardinal Emmanuel Delacroix.

Weis has already received much interest in resuming an offensive coordinator post in the NFL, from such teams as the Bills and Chiefs. Weis is unlikely to take them up on their offer. "As one of the biggest geniuses of the NFL, I would like my career to continue its upward trajectory. Taking an offensive coordinator position would be a step backward. At Notre Dame in Paris, I would have control of all recruiting and personnel decisions within the bell tower, and would have ultimate say on play calls regarding how often the big bells get hit over the little ones. Shit, I am even SHAPED like a bell. It's quite an attractive situation."

As Weis left for the airport, his limo was pelted with rotting vegetables from Indiana townsfolk. Weis could be seen pointing at the highway, yelling at his limo driver, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"


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