Del Negro: The Easter Bunny Is Real and I Won't Be Fired

And I don't look like Luke Wilson.

Yes You Do

Happy Holidays From THF!

Happy Holidays to you and yours from us at THF!

Happy Holidays From Zombies Can Dunk!

Zombies Can Dunk wants to wish you and your family a very happy holiday this year. Stop reading this site and go drink some damn eggnog!

Once-Obsessed NFL Analysts Now Ready To Ignore Saints

BRISTOL, Connecticut - NFL analysts at ESPN headquarters received a memo from ESPN management today calling for a cease and desist of all Saints talk now that they have lost a single game. The New Orleans team that were once labelled nationwide as "The Best Team In NFL History" will now be only spoken about in hushed tones or, according to the words in the memo, by cocky analysts such as Merril Hoge with the words, "Hey, everybody, just because they lost a game don't sleep this team!" The words will also be then echoed by Merril Hoge's increasingly obvious toupee (pictured, left).

The memo said not one analyst should in any way reference how they supported the Saints in irritating fashion until now, nor should they in any way reference predictions they all made that the Saints would be the NFL's first team since the 1972 Dolphins to have a perfect season. Workers in the Bristol offices are feverishly erasing any such taped speeches.

The memo ended by calling for analysts to start overwhelming "The Colts Are The Best Team In NFL History" talk. Such talk will be started today, with analyst Mark Schlereth complimenting the girth of Colts QB Peyton Manning's penis.

NBA Lookalikes = Fun

I have an addiction. Some could argue that I am obsessed with NBA trade rumors, sometimes liking them even more than the game itself, but that isn't it. I could have an addiction like gambling (well...I do plan on taking a look at some nba basketball betting lines over the holidays...perhaps doing some online sports book wagering too...) but nay.

My addiction is celebrity lookalikes.

Coming across this on Youtube, I couldn't help but giggle and watch it roughly 50 times. Enjoy.

Mike Shanahan To Change Logo If Named Redskins Coach

WASHINGTON D.C., District of Colombia - Mike Shanahan, formerly coach of the Denver Broncos, reportedly is entertaining talks with the Redskins for their head coaching position. Much of his interest has come from a kinship he has felt with the Redskins logo, which he will alter slightly to the revised logo (seen above) if he is named coach.

"One day I took a close look at the Redskins logo and saw a stern, annoyed-looking, wrinkled, sunburnt man on those helmets. It was like looking in a mirror. That ponytail thing even looks like that obnoxious microphone I wear that makes me look like a Nascar pit-crew member." Shanahan said. "If I take over as Redskins coach, I will remake this team in my image and that starts with the logo."

If named coach, Shanahan's next order of business is rumored to be trading for former Broncos QB Jay Cutler. "Sure, I'd love to work with Jay once again, but only if a deal can come cheaply and efficiently. -And if the Bears throw in those sweet smallpox-covered blankets."

If Wu Tang Members Were NBA Players

Much respect to the therapup.uproxx.com for the morphs...simply amazing. Follow the link if you want to see more of "if Wu Tang Clan members were cast, personality and looks-wise, by NBA players"

Chris Dudley To Run For Governor Of Oregon On Platform Of Chest Hair, Fouling Out and Poor Free Throw Shooting

Because we all can relate to a 6'11" Yale alum with a 16 year NBA career.

No One Gives A Crap About Halladay-Lee Deal

BRISTOL, Connecticut - At the offices of ESPN, talking heads have been droning nonstop about the Halladay for Lee deal in baseball. Words have been tossed around like "historic", "breath-taking" and "explosive" to describe the trade that would exchange Cy Young Award winners. Peter Gammons ripped his own face off to show how something even as big as an old man ripping his own face off would pale in comparison to how incredible a trade this was.

A recent man-on-the-street poll has roughly 96% of Americans not even sure who the hell Cliff Lee and Roy Halladay are and don't watch baseball anymore. The remaining percentage constitutes 2% who are baseball fans for teams not involved in the trade, 2% who are fans of the teams but see the trade as a wash, and 1% who are actually Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee.

ESPN writer Rob Neyer wrote for the Mariners "This is, quite frankly, a heist." Yahoo Sports writer Jeff Passan wrote, "The biggest baseball trade in almost 2 years is a few dots, crosses and passport stamps from completion."

In a related note, ESPN and Yahoo have seen a drop in viewers during the Halladay-Lee coverage, down 999% from the Tiger Woods coverage. The remaining 1% were people wondering if Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee were the names of people who slept with Tiger Woods.

Wade Is Great At Imitations

Gotta love a good Shaq imitation:

Chicago White Sox Acquire Talented Rap Star

CHICAGO, Illinois - The Chicago White Sox have traded with the Dodgers to acquire rapper Juan Pierre. No Illinois tour dates have been scheduled as of the announcement. The move is viewed as a major blow to the West Coast rap scene.

Our First Hockey Post!

I know NOTHING about hockey since the Whalers left when I was too young to notice, so this is what you get from me for our first hockey post: Randy Moller goal calls. He's the radio announcer for the Florida Panthers, which is not something that one should brag about, but he immediately follows the amazing Dan LeBatard Show With Stugotz from which he takes suggestions on what to scream during goal calls to excite an otherwise bored fan base in Miami. I'm going to shut up now and let you enjoy...

After Loss, Raiders Coach Tom Cable Beats Crap Out Of Self, Others

OAKLAND, California - After the Raiders 34-13 loss to the Redskins yesterday, Tom Cable, noted already under investigation by the league for alleged physical abuse against former Raiders assistant Randy Hanson and mistreatment of his wives, beat the living crap out of himself.

The pudgy, bulldog-looking coach showed up for Monday practice with a swollen lip and multiple black and blues on his face. He was still foaming at the mouth, and hit a number of inanimate objects (including, but not limited to, Raiders WR bust Darrius Heyward-Bey).

"I think coach might have an anger management problem", said RB Justin Fargas, shortly before his head was separated from his body by Cable. Immediately following the decapitation by Cable, a booming voice filled the practice facility. It was believed to be crazy Radiers owner Al Davis, who had seen the crime and had said over a microphone the word, "Fatality!"

Ward To Media: "Despite Loss, I Will Remain Obnoxious"

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania - The Steelers suffered a crushing blow to their playoff chances from the Cleveland Browns last evening, losing by the baseball score of 13-6.

Despite this loss, and likely end to playoff talk in Pittsburgh, Hines Ward has courageously maintained he will remain an obnoxious jackass.

"This team thrives on my ability to call out our QB who has won two Super Bowls, give the opposing team bulletin board material, and produce illegal hits that shifts negative media attention to us. Just because we are likely eliminated from the playoffs, who am I to stop producing in that way for our team?", said Ward on Friday. "Being an asshole is in my DNA. It has been since that first kid on the playground made that asian chopstick joke at me and I kicked his ass. I don't plan to stop now." Ward then spit on a 7-year old girl that happened to be wearing the color brown.

Tomlin praised Ward's resilience: "Speaking as someone that simply inherited a Super Bowl team that Bill Cowher built, and have subsequently crashed into the rocks, I feel a kinship with others that talk with a sense of entitlement and cockiness. Ward's ability to be a dick cannot be replaced on this team." Tomlin then punched the 10th person who had asked for his autograph as actor Omar Epps during the Q & A session.

76ers Out Of Ideas On How To Win, To Attempt Only Full-Court Shots

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - After losing several games in a row, and acquiring aged star Allen Iverson, Andre Iguodala and the 76ers have taken the bold step of saying that they will only attempt full-court shots for the rest of the season.

The plan went into action during last night's game against the Nuggets:



The hope is that after making enough of these shots, David Stern and the league will eventually make the full-court shot a 10-point shot...which the 76ers will already be masters of.

Patriots Honor Crappy Teams From Patriots Past With Loss

MIAMI, Florida - Tom Brady and the New England Patriots lost to the Miami Dolphins by the narrowest of margins yesterday, keeping the "throwback" theme of this year's team on track.

"We're really happy that in keeping with the old uniforms, the team could embrace its history by losing in gut-churning fashion. They really knocked this one out of the park. It's so great to have players honoring previous Patriots teams this way", said team owner Robert Kraft.

Tom Brady, the "Golden Boy" who is coupled with a Victoria Secret model, had a horrible 4th quarter collapse. "I was just doing my part to remind people that many of the previous QBs for this team had horrible fortunes. Heck, even I have children with some broad that I was dating and ran away from when I found out she was pregnant. It's my way of reminding people how awful the history of this team is, and hopefully I was successful in that."

When reached for comment, Miami Dolphins LB Joey Porter yelled something unintelligible and punched out a security guard. Many believe this was an homage to "thugs of Miami Dolphins past", including Brian Cox and Cecil Collins.

College Photo Of QB Chad Henne To Star In Dumb & Dumber Sequel

HOLLYWOOD, California - The Farrelly brothers, looking for a star to replace holdout Jim Carrey in a planned Dumb & Dumber sequel, have apparently found their man.

Searching the internet idly for photos of Kyle Orton downing bottles of Jack in college, Peter Farrelly came across a photo of Miami Dolphins quarterback Chad Henne with two ladies on each arm. The photo said "ladies man". The photo said "stud".

The photo also said, "The name's Christmas...Lloyd Christmas".

Negotiations with the soft-spoken quarterback are already underway, and with Jeff Daniels and Lauren Holly already locked up the directing duo plans to begin shooting as early as January 2010.

Reached for comment about the role, Henne spoke to reporters with excitement. "The chance to play a character loved by millions is a dream come true. I've got the mannerisms down, and I'm working on on Carrey's trademark delivery of the line "I like it a-lot" in the first movie. All I need at this point is a chipped tooth...we play the Patriots this week and my offensive line is banged up, so I've got that covered."

New Line Cinema has already released a promotional image for sequel:

Tiger: I Bang Busty Brunettes Like It's My Job

Now bring me Katy Perry.

Artest Clarifies Remarks on Drinking: "I Was Actually Smoking Opium During Halftime"

New Stuff Happened!

Hey hey hey readers,

Lots of new stuff to discuss!

First and foremost, we created a brand new site entitled "ZOMBIES CAN DUNK. COM"!
ZCD is related to all sports, not just basketball, and is more for our goofy sides regarding sports writing. It also will have live Twitter updates, reader contests, and be updated extremely often. Yippee!

The Howeva Files also got a revamp, with a new logo, new text fonts, and new sponsors. We will still be bringing you that irreverent and pointless basketball news humor that you have grown to know and love. We will also get Ron Artest drunk and writing for us sometime soon we hope.

Thus, now you poor bastards have twice the drivel to sift through. Your welcome!

Woods: Thank Goodness My Wife Courageously Bashed My Face In

ORLANDO, Florida - Tiger Woods spoke at length to reporters today, saying that despite his past transgressions, things have been going well in his family. He also reiterated his wife was not the cause of his car accident, but rather the hero of the moment.

"I would be in bad shape today if I didn't have my loyal wife there that day. Thanks to her taking a 7-iron and repeatedly swinging it into my skull, I was able to get into my car and hit a tree instead of swerving and crashing directly into a house, potentially killing up to 20 people (if they were having a party)", Woods said.

"You all are thinking that because I banged a few luscious brunettes that there is trouble in the Woods household. This could not be further from the truth. I wish everyone had a strong woman in their life, who was capable of taking in their husband during a moment of weakness, cradling him in her arms, and then hammering a blunt metal stick of death into his face. It's nothing short of beautiful."

Woods then saw a passerby with long blonde hair, screamed, and hid in the bushes.

Brook Lopez Falls in Empty Izod Center, Does Not Make a Sound

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey - Interim New Jersey Nets coach and part-time Metro-North conductor, Tom Barrise, was required to phone in the box score to the local papers this evening after the franchise lost its NBA-record 18th straight game to start its season since no one besides the participants actually witnessed the game.

"We're hoping that adding the blinding star power of Kiki Vandeweghe to our bench and a new line of flashy suits for Eduardo Najera will bring the fans out on Friday night," sighed Barrise. "Seriously...it was so empty tonight that Brook Lopez took a charge in the 2nd quarter and he didn't even make a noise. Hopefully I'll be here next year when our new owner will shower us with Russian hookers."

Mel Kiper Waiting Patiently To Be That Douchebag On Your TV Again

BALTIMORE, Maryland - Mel Kiper, useful to the general public for a few days in April during the NFL draft, is currently at the height of his uselessness.

"I honestly can't wait to infect people's television screens with my holier-than-thou conclusions involving boom-or-bust college players. It's been rough to not pass judgement on anyone in a loud, opinionated, staccato voice. Still, I remain patient and will wait with honor and grace for my chance to be on every screen in America."

Kiper was oblivious to how this statement was full of douchebagginess.

To continue the period, described by many as "Asshole Hibernation", Kiper has taken to adding his insights to everyday topics.

"Today I had a salami sandwich. It was a thin, robust salami, red in complexion and lean in fat and high on taste. It is made in a province in Italy, sliced by the finest craftsmen, and made specifically for consumption by those with discerning tastes. Figuratively, this salami runs a 4.4 40 down my throat and into my belly. Don't give me any of that "bologna" should go #1 on the list of deli meats. Mark my words: Salami will produce. It will produce great taste, and firm stool."

Tool Academy Contestant Banged Some Golfer

Since the typical extent of my research is getting celebrity gossip from my roommate, I've got the big scoop: Jaimee Grubbs, who is famous for having dated the uber-tool Shawn from Tool Academy until his other girlfriend walked into group therapy (gasp), has also had an affair with some sort of golfer. Or maybe not. I stopped paying attention when I heard the word "golf" and it's hard to hear when you're jumping around and laughing as you continue to celebrate the Saints' win last night.

Said roommate confirmed that the person in the picture below is the lucky athlete (HAHAHAHA...sorry couldn't keep a straight face while calling a golfer an athlete). Tiger Woods? Never heard of him. I bet he's a better Atari player than golfer since every other picture on Google has him wearing a hat with the ship from Yars' Revenge. You can find the whole VD-covered story here. Time to go back to celebrating...WHO DAT?!?!?! WHO DAT?!?!?!?!

Weis Considers Bell-Ringing Job At Original Notre Dame

PARIS, France - In the wake of his firing from the University of Notre Dame, who finished this past season 6-6, several sources are reporting that Charlie Weis will board a private jet to France to sign a lucrative deal with clergy officials to be their bell-ringer through 2013.

"Ever since the death of Quasimodo in the 1830's, our esteemed chapel has been without a tubby, ineffective man to ring our bells. We believe that Charlie Weis, with his immense size, unfortunate countenance, and knowledge of pro-style offensive formations can help us greatly in this area", said Cardinal Emmanuel Delacroix.

Weis has already received much interest in resuming an offensive coordinator post in the NFL, from such teams as the Bills and Chiefs. Weis is unlikely to take them up on their offer. "As one of the biggest geniuses of the NFL, I would like my career to continue its upward trajectory. Taking an offensive coordinator position would be a step backward. At Notre Dame in Paris, I would have control of all recruiting and personnel decisions within the bell tower, and would have ultimate say on play calls regarding how often the big bells get hit over the little ones. Shit, I am even SHAPED like a bell. It's quite an attractive situation."

As Weis left for the airport, his limo was pelted with rotting vegetables from Indiana townsfolk. Weis could be seen pointing at the highway, yelling at his limo driver, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"

Clippers Broadcasters: Hamed Hadaddi Planned 9/11

LOS ANGELES, California - Longtime Clippers broadcasters Ralph Lawler and Michael Smith, fresh from a one-game suspension for insensitive comments made about the Iranian born Memphis Grizzlies center Hamed Hadaddi, made sure that all 7 Clippers fans watching on TV knew that they have no regrets by accusing Hadaddi for being the mastermind behind the attacks on American soil on 9/11/2001.

"Our time off the air gave both Ralph and I some time to reflect upon why we were suspended and we realized that we were not being honest enough during our telecasts," explained Smith. "We are 100% convinced that Hamed Hadaddi is a freedom-hating terrorist who single-handedly planned 9/11."

Upping the ante, Lawler added, "He also rapes kittens, didn't like The Dark Knight and finds Kirsten Dunst attractive. We will not stop until the world knows the truth!"

Megan Fox....Just Because

Have a great weekend...

Your 2009 NL Cy Young Winner: That Kid From Dazed and Confused

Before Lincecum/Wiley Wiggins could accept his award, Ben Affleck paddled his ass red.

Meaning Of Life Found, Withheld By ESPN Insider Membership

NEW YORK CITY, New York - Today scientists and bible scholars found the long awaited meaning of life, sought after by millions and millions over the history of mankind. Upon finding the Meaning Of Life, a window popped up telling all that they could read half of the first sentence of the Meaning Of Life, but to continue they must become an "ESPN Insider".

The half of the first sentence that was revealed consisted of, "The Meaning Of Life is-"

Spending billions of dollars in search of the Meaning Of Life, the scientists and bible scholars abandoned their search when it was revealed that access to the meaning of life would coincide with a subscription to ESPN The Magazine.

Ronnie Brown Placed On IR, Then Placed Into Sparano's Smock

I heard it's equally good at keeping your shirt from getting stained by finger paint or marinara sauce!

Marlins Coghlan Excited To Find Out Which Team He'll Be Traded To

MIAMI, Florida - Yesterday Florida Marlins left fielder Chris Coghlan was named NL Rookie Of The Year. Today, he wakes with a smile on his face, wondering where he will inevitably be traded to.

"Everyone knows that any sort of accolades within the Marlins organization include an express ticket to a contender and a bloated contract", Coghlan said, winking as he piled his possessions into a moving van. "Kevin Brown, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis, Mike Lowell, Josh Beckett...hell, even crappy-ass Carl Pavano were immediately shipped to great organizations at the top of their divisions. I've already sold my house in Florida and plan to wait for the call."

Coghlan's hand smacked the side of the moving truck as he added, "Yippee Kiyay Mother-(expletive deleted)."

"I've even got some buddies helping me move." Coghlan pointed at Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla and ace pitcher Josh Johnson, both of whom waved weakly and will likely be sent to other teams for unknown prospects this offseason.

Looking at the sun shining, Chris Coghlan added, "It's almost a shame to say goodbye. It feels like I just got here. Ah well, it's a rule that I have to get shipped out as soon as I am good, and I will stand by it. The rule has applied to everyone before me...well, everyone except Hanley Ramirez it seems."

From his hiding spot behind a palm tree, the words stung Hanley Ramirez, a single tear finding its way down his cheek.

Dick Jauron Exiled Back to Hades

It's OK to let your kids out to play now. They're safe.

Larry Brown And Stephen Jackson Together? What Could Go Wrong?

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina - Bobcats owners Bob Johnson and Michael Jordan smiled widely at the acquisition of Golden State Warriors star Stephen Jackson. They knew they had made a huge move that would put their team over the hump for good.

"Chemistry has been a problem for our organization for...well, forever...but here we have a duo that we think will work quite well together. On one end, you have Larry Brown, a coach who has a history of gracefully coaching along players who exhibit difficult behavior, being something of a father figure to them. Who can forget the way that he taught Ron Artest to jump rope or gently rocked Allen Iverson to sleep every night?" Johnson said.

Jordan added, "-And on the other end you have Stephen Jackson, a person who has been a sweetheart to coaches, and fellow players alike. He has been a role model in the community, and was instrumental in "crowd control" in that brawl in Detroit. The other day I caught him making oragami swans for local schoolchildren."

As Jordan and Johnson walked off to the cigar bar, reporters witnessed Brown drinking heavily and pulling his hair out. Jackson was putting live firecrackers in new teammate Gerald Wallace's locker, and reportedly threw his own feces at Raymond Felton.

Bill Belichick: "Curses! Foiled AGAIN!"

FOXBORO, Massachussets - This morning, after yesterday's improbable 4th Quarter Collapse against the Colts, in which his team lost due to a poor choice to go for it on 4th-and-2 deep in his own territory, Bill Belichick responded to reporters questions in the thone room of his hidden bunker in Foxboro: "I will rise once again. As long as there is darkness to blot out the sun and the moon...I will rise again."

Delicately nibbling on the entrails of a previously vanquished foe (reporters later said it looked like the remains of Titans QB Kerry Collins), Belichick added, "These pithy NFL teams...what do they know of when to 'go for it' or punt? Do they have 3 rings? Do they have a hall-of-fame quarterback? Do they have the enchanted head of Vince Lombardi to instruct them?" Belichick then held up a bespecled head to reporters, which smiled and mouthed the words "Draft Mayo. No one will see his potential."

A shadow fell over Belichick's face, as he looked at the ground with fire in his eyes. "Peyton Manning...You win this round. You and your beautiful golden blonde locks and majestic white steeds. I shall have revenge. -Even if I have to use your younger brother against you by acquiring him when he is spit out of the Giants organization."

Belichick then pointed vigorously at the doorway, dispatching four of his henchmen. One knocked over Boston reporter Bob Ryan.

Showing his teeth, Belichick stood from his throne, and said, "Now if you excuse me gentlemen, I have a busy week ahead of me." A chuckle emenated from his lips. "Oh yes, a very busy week indeed! We have a game against our division rival, the New York Jets, this week. I have to prepare." At this moment a curtain fell, revealing a wheelbarrow of turkeys with a sign on them. The sign read, "Bribe 4 Rex Ryan". Belichick shouted in anger, putting the curtain back into place and yelling for all to leave.

Guards then prodded reporters with spears, driving them across the drawbridge and into the New England countryside.

Welcome To "Zombies Can Dunk.Com"

Welcome all to the brand new site "Zombies Can Dunk". Quite fitting that our first post would be on Friday The 13th, which can only mean good things moving forward.

Zombies Can Dunk is the re-branded name of the "The Howeva Files", which means ZCD will have the same wacky brand of humor, sponsors, and general lack of any real journalistic insight.

So what has changed besides the name? Zombies Can Dunk will focus on all sports, rather than just pro basketball. Also, we now are tapped into Twitter for more up-to-the-moment pithy comments, and the overall feel of the site will be more fun and fantastical rather than straight up news and commentary.

Thanks for reading, and come back frequently as we will be updating the site quite often with the moronic spew from our brains. Mmmm....brains....

Best wishes,

Site Revamp Coming Soon!

Ooooooh EXCITING! A huge site revamp is coming very soon and we are very pumped about it on our end. Stay tuned!

Amare Likes Your Shirt...Now Give It To Him

Chicks Love The Putter

THF Welcomes New Sponsor: PartyBets.com

The Howeva Files is happy to welcome our newest sponsor, "Partybets.com".

If you, like me, could honestly not care less about a random Grizzlies-Timberwolves matchup, why not make it interesting with a bet or two? Partybets.com gives you great bets on great odds, and we are happy to welcome them to the THF family.

5 Seconds Earlier: "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of nacho cheese"

You Spell Genius "C-U-B-A-N"

Every so often, a story comes along in the NBA that actually requires little to no input from me.  The story just comments on itself.

This is one of those times.

Click HERE,  enjoy the read, and have fun shaking your head.

Boris Diaw Gains Some Weight

No that is not Boris Diaw above, but what an absolutely AMAZING photo.

Boris Diaw, owner of the "Boris Diaw Face"*, must be having some fantastic offseason.

Larry Brown spoke out today, saying, "Obviously Boris is way out of shape."  Then he added, "He's running foul line to foul line right now, which is understandable."  -This being in reference to Boris sitting on his butt after hurting his ankle.  Obviously, while resting that ankle he was getting fitness advice from Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell.  

You can just picture Larry Brown, sitting and rubbing his temples with frustration as a Bam Bam Bigelow-sized Boris Diaw sweats while tying his shoelaces.  Diaw, always the consummate Frenchman, must be dipping his fries into mayo, because it wasn't like the guy was in fantastic shape anyways at the end of last season.  I can only hope that this continues, because a sitcom where Larry Brown has to get Boris Diaw in shape would be ratings gold.

*The "Boris Diaw Face" is an expression derived from Boris' overly smug team profile photos.  The face, without words, tells women, "Suck my ****".  For this reason, the phrase can be heard being used in social circles, for example: "How into me was she?  All I would have had to do was give her the Boris Diaw Face and she would have been all over me!".

For more information, please see below:

THF To Be Back In Full Force Next Week

Howdy, howdy, howdy.  Above is a pic from the fjords in Norway.  Yours truly is still on a whirlwind trip for business, making stops in Norway, Cannes, and London.  THF will be back in full force upon my return in around a week, so stay tuned.  There is a lot of excitement afoot, with a site redesign in the works, new developments, and way, way more in the way of cheerleader pics (which trumps everything else, frankly).  I'll think of you all fondly as I cruise the fjords of Norway, battling vikings and trolls.  

In the meantime, just a post to get that freaky Mark Cuban photo off of the site.  That is the stuff of nightmares right there.

-Black and Blue Jor

Cuban Is A Gem

Mark Cuban came out today and spoke about the Shawn Marion acquisition. Whenever Mark Cuban speaks it is like an antagonistic pile of slop that is nonetheless extremely entertaining. -Something he got from Donald Trump and gave to Spencer Pratt (it's like an asshole family tree). I can't even imagine working my entire life, training day in and day out, only to have some fat pile of parted-haired poo criticize me while he gets turned down by Hooters waitresses.

Anyhoo, back to Cuban speaking out, it was mostly pretty nice this time. HOWEVA, with such a jerk you have to take a magnifying glass and identify the bits of jackass in his statement.

For instance, Cuban says,

"Just as importantly, Shawn hears and reads everything saying he struggled. He wants to prove everyone wrong, which i think is a beautiful thing."

In short, Cuban here is saying, "Just in case anyone forgets, I'm going to pay very, very special attention to the criticism people have been heaping on this guy by calling him out on it. Hopefully he will take my jerky reminding and use it as an incentive to play better." It's like a guy telling a girl, "I don't care that everyone calls you a smelly, filthy cow...I love ya."

Seriously, someone deck this guy. Hopefully it makes him say more and then I have more to write! Yay, everyone wins!

NERDS!

Dwight Howard promoted NBA Live 10 the only way he knew how: By inviting gamers to the basketball court and making them look like idiots.

This has me torn. On one hand, I do not like embarrassing people that are not athletically gifted. On the other hand, I hate gamer nerds, and would give them wedgies and stuff them all in a locker given the chance. I share this in common with Ogre from "Revenge Of The Nerds". Here is Dwight playing around with some nerdy dorkenstein:

Note: A week from today I am going to Norway for business, so I will cram as much fun into this week as possible before I am inevitably sliced in half by vikings.

Looking Back At Lil' Lebron

Nowadays everyone knows Lebron is NBA royalty, but so soon we forget the insane amounts of pressure heaped upon this guy when he entered the league.  I still remember watching his first game and thinking to myself, "Whoa...this guy is having a good game.  Way to respond to all the hype!"  Little did I know just how good he would become.  I could only imagine how insanely good this "Darko" guy drafted after him could be.  

Lest we forget, here is a highlight clip of Lebron's first game in the NBA.  Joe Dumars is somewhere watching this and saying, "Thank GOD I won that championship.  How else would I have a job after that draft?"

The Nets Stadium's 18th Possible Design

The Nets unveiled what looks like the final design for their new "will it or won't it happen" Brooklyn stadium today.  Since I have trouble with flash images and am too lazy to learn, to check it out, paste the link below into your browser:

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/09/new-design-unveiled-for-atlantic-yards-arena/?scp=1&sq=barclays%20center&st=cse

If you are like me, you think the thing looks like a giant fat beetle.  After games, I can imagine this thing scurrying up Brendan Fraser's leg like it did in The Mummy.

That this stadium looks like a beetle is not to say that it is bad.  I applaud this new design BECAUSE it looks so different and weird.  Brooklyn, unlike Manhattan, is devoid of many iconic eye-catching buildings.  It is a maze of warehouses, apartment buildings, parks, and coffee shops and it lacks that one thing that will make tourists say, "I HAVE to go to Brooklyn while I am in town to see THIS!"  Right now, as a New Yorker, I can tell you the current structure filling that description is the only Target in the area.  This building will at least make people want to look like the gigantic insect no doubt hiding out in David Stern's thick shell of a body (Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith should be alerted to his whereabouts).

To make matters even better, Barclays is sponsoring it.  For those of you not in the know, Barclays is the enormous conglomerate that sponsors the ENTIRE LEAGUE of English soccer...er..."football".  There, it is the "Barlays Premier League.  That's like a company sponsoring the NFL (I like the sound of "Trojan Brand Latex National Football League).

With all of these posts about the Nets recently, they are going to be one hell of a strange team to watch in the coming years.  Jay Z...don't quit your day job.

Nets Jerseys Are The Village Bicycle

We've already reported that the Nets will start giving out free jerseys for opposing teams this upcoming season, something that will no doubt help attendance in the short term and hurt the team's fanbase in the long term.  Now, the Nets are doing their best to top that.

According to multiple sources, the Nets will start putting advertising on their practice jerseys.  Unfortunately it will not be the scantily-clad ladies of GoDaddy.com, but will be some company called PNY Technologies (which is likely pronounced "Punany").  I give it, oh let's say 1 whole year before the Nets' jerseys look like this:

I, personally, will wait to purchase the "Mellow Yellow" alternate jersey.

This is just the latest in a long line of gimmicks the Nets are chucking out there to get ANYONE to watch a team that lists Devin Harris, Courtney Lee, and Brook Lopez as its biggest stars. I don't know about you, but I am SUPER excited to see what they do next.  Zombie Drazen Petrovic Theme Night can't be far off (too soon?)  

Somewhere Vince Carter is watching this and thanking God he got out of Jersey.  -Well, watching for a short while until he spots a bird out his window and tries to chase it (the guy has A.D.D, people.)

Welcome To The Big Top: MJ Circus Shots

We got such a positive response via email to our post of some of the NBA's best circus shots that we decided to go straight to the source for a follow up: Michael Jordan.

The greatest trick of all?  That he could do all of these athletic shots with those short shorts.  

Thoughts:

-#2 is ridiculous because he almost goes out of his way to do a trick shot.

-Why do cameramen keep finding attractive women in sweaters after MJ makes a play?

-Greg Ostertag continues his long-standing role of "posterized big man".

Top 10 Circus Shots Of Last Season

Hey NBA: No news?  No Problem!

Here are the top 10 circus shots of this past season.  Enjoy.

The Nets Just Hit A New Low

Just when you thought the Nets were going to sink even lower, perhaps by putting Yinka Dare's jersey in the rafters, news comes that makes it even sadder:  The Nets announced that they will offer packages next year that give out jerseys for PLAYERS ON OPPOSING TEAMS.

Yep, that's right.  As if the Nets had anything but purple #24  jerseys in the stands when they played the Lakers anyway, now the folks in the purple jerseys got them from the Nets staff.  As a rabid fan of my teams, and especially the jerseys and logos that represent them, this is nothing less than unconditional surrender on the part of the Nets' marketing team.  They know there is nothing bringing these fans to the stadium except a cheaper way than MSG to see Lebron and Kobe.  Even the Grizzlies and Bucks must look at this and shake their heads, and they're one more losing season away from "sleep with the team dancer of your choice" to sell tickets.

The best part is that the Izod center, where the Nets play, is filled with gigantic photos everywhere of Skiers wearing Izod clothes.  Now you have a home basketball game, filled with visitor's jerseys, in a stadium featuring another sport entirely.  Amazing!

For shame, Nets management...for shame.

Anyone Can Be An All Star

Feeling down because you'll never amount to a pile of beans?  Well pick yourself the hell up, because every dog has its day!  Need some evidence?  Look no further than this amusing video of some of the worst players to be NBA All Stars in recent years:

Seriously, I can't imagine living in a world where Magliore is an All Star, and yet I do. We all do.

Offseason Means Videos and Cheerleaders And Sometimes Both

Offseasons are slow news-wise, especially in the NBA. In the NFL and MLB, stories like "Brett Favre still an asshole" are front page stories. The best I could do today is multiple news outlets saying "Ramon Sessions maybe not going to the Knicks. Who knows?"

This is why I prefer to fill this blank void of anti-NBA existence with silly videos and pictures of cheerleaders. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are both!

J-Will Cometh...Backeth From Retirementeth

Just got back from Key West, where I had no internet (just drinks and ladies wearing very, very little) so glancing at the very first news to grace my eyes I was entertained. The Magic signed someone whose antics I have loved for a very long time:



Yes, that's right. J-Will signed with the Magic. The Magic, as you know, play in Orlando, a town so incredibly goofy and glitzy that it could be just the thing to awaken that old player Jason was on the Kings. -NOT the schlub Hubie Brown tamed into being, you know, a "good player", but the guy who was worth paying the price of admission to just play streetball and goof off. Sure, his passes often rocketed into the stands, costing his team valuable points during 4-on-1 fast breaks, but goddamn it he was fun to watch. If the Magic do wind up using him as a 3rd string PG, he BETTER be entertaining, because he isn't worth playing much otherwise.

Welcome back from retirement J-Will. Now it's time to un-retire the bounce-off-the-elbow pass.

Olympiakos Is Pissing Me Off

It was only just last week that I thought to myself how highly effective bench players, Linas Kleiza and Von Wafer (who's crotch is being whistled at by Sasha here), were yet unsigned and likely to not cash in on as much money as they probably hoped. But of course, I had not considered that the Greek team, Olympiakos, has been lusting after NBA sixth-man talent like dorks at Comic-Con for the chance to stand next to the bike from Tron (which in retrospect is a horrible movie by the way. It's similar to how you remember Johnny Quest to be a cool show but then watch an episode now and realize it's crap).

Considering that Wafer will be making more than 600% than he made last year and will be in Greece instead of crappy NBA cities like Charlotte, Minnesota or Oklahoma City, I am overcome with envy followed by relief knowing that at least I don't have to pretend to not be staring at Josh Childress' nasty teeth.

And as for Kleiza (seen here smoking an invisible cigarette)? I'm more sad to see him go for the soul reason that he played, like Ginobili early in his NBA career, in a manner that said he had no idea that he wasn't the best player on his own team.

Where Would We Be Without Shaq?

Honestly, when the sports world enters a lull, you can always count on Shaq to liven it up. There is NOTHING happening in the world of sport today outside of baseball players pretending to act like they are badasses while they wear skin-tight pants and run approximately 4 times a game. Enter the Big Aristotle to read all of our minds and challenge the best of the aforementioned quasi-sport:



Seeing Shaq call out Beckham at the end was just icing on the cake. The guy just does not give a crap about who likes him and who doesn't. We could all learn a thing or two about life from the star of "Kazaam".

Hey

No big NBA news today...so now for something completely different...

What Game To Get 2010: Checking Out NBA Live's Deets

Though I am a big guy (6 foot 5, muscles composed of titanium alloy), I have a profound respect for the little things in life. For instance, I like tiny dogs more than big ones. I liked micro machines as a kid. I have a tiny heart that is 7 sizes too small, perfect for demolishing whoville citizens. I also like the song "Little L" by Jamiroquoi (but NOT enough to actually take the time to look up how his name is spelled).

So NBA Live 10, the underdog in our little "Do we get NBA Live 10 or NBA 2k10" contest this year, somewhat impressed me with a video where they show the important little things they improved this year that may go otherwise unnoticed. As they say, "It's all in the details". These same people also say, "The devil is in the details", so now you know why I kick anyone's ass that owns a "dictionary of idioms". Bastards.



Since I am getting this for a PSP, I will likely hurt my eyeball pressing it against the tiny screen to notice something as tiny as a "player-specific crossover move", but it warms my tiny, tiny, roast beast-eating heart to know it's there. More to come on this gaming battle. This is far from over.

Someone Kill This Woman

One of the few joys a guy in a committed relationship can enjoy is staring wide-eyed at NBA cheerleaders.  Check out this evil nazi girlfriend:

I don't know how you can live with yourself, woman.

Ugh, I Knew This Wouldn't Be Easy

As quickly as I had decided to finally get NBA Live 10, I heard that NBA 2K10 (widely considered to be a vastly superior NBA gaming franchise) was finally going to be released for the PSP. The PSP, dear reader, is the retardedly backwards gaming system I frequent because I travel a lot.

Well, there ya go. Decision made. Done and done.

Then, a reader sent me this image of the NBA 2K10 cover this year:

Kobe Bryant. The same Kobe Bryant that single-handedly (okay Trevor Ariza and Gasol helped a tad) beat my Orlando Magic in the finals this past year. The same Kobe Bryant that used "I like to have extremely rough sex in which I choke girls behind my wife's back" as his DEFENSE in a court case.

To further complicate things, here is the NBA Live 10 cover:

Because this cover is so mighty, the whole thing doesn't even fit on this site. In it, Dwight Howard is saying, "This cover is so amazing, I'm going to go offscreen and make myself a sandwich."

Sheesh. Could they have made it harder? Perhaps if NBA Live 10 put Megan Fox in an Orlando Magic jersey, surfing on a surfboard and blowing away zombies, while NBA 2k10 put the faces of every ex-girlfriend I've had.

This whole thing will take some thought, and reviews from you guys will be crucial. In the meantime I will drink heavily and daydream of the aforementioned NBA Live 10 cover that I just designed.

2P Or Not 2P: That Is The Question, Mark Madsen

Mark Madsen, the insanely annoying rah-rah bench player on those championship Lakers teams we all hated, is a moron. -This we know. What we didn't know until recently was that he is a high-stakes purchaser of online sites, gambling that they will become big and he will reap the benefits.

Well, that plan backfired up his poop chute today when he tried to acquire P2P.com, which had been hacked and stolen from its original owner. Had Madsen not been jumping up and down and waving a yellow towel, he probably would have noticed something wrong when he bought the rights to the site on EBAY instead of doing silly things like signing a legally-binding contract. Note to Madsen: Don't invest your life savings in an email from a little-known prince from a small country who just needs your help to make it to America and bequeath his riches on to you. Give all that money directly to me and save time.

To just add more dirt onto the grave, here is Mark Madsen dancing on loop for 4 minutes straight. Oh the humanity!

NBA Live 10 Preview

Update:  THF reader Rhymenocerous (I spelled that completely wrong) just informed me that 2K10 is coming out for the PSP this year.  In short, that means f*** NBA Live.  

-Oh poor NBA Live...you were so, so close to being purchased.  This means more ridicule and fun on this site for your franchise.  Woot.

--------------

Well, the unthinkable has happened: I've decided to get an NBA Live game. -Specifically, this year's upcoming edition. For you new readers, this is surprising given how many hilarious glitches I've shown on the site the past few years. The combination of Orlando Magic promotion and me not buying a video game for nearly a year (I'm due) did me in.

Here's a first look:

You can tell Vince Carter NEVER expected to be featured again in a video game commercial. There is still time before this title comes out, but unless EA sports finally answers my prayers and comes out with a game called "Run From The Altar: The Richard Jefferson Game", looks like I'm getting NBA Live this year. Reviews to follow.

Analysis: Chanandeler Bong For Okay-For

Today the Bobcats and Hornets swapped big bodies, sending Emeka Okafor to Nawlins and Tyson Chandler to the neon orange "place where careers die" entitled "Charlotte". I read about it on the coolest designed team site in the league, and immediately thought what all of you thought:

"The Bobcats are not going to take this whole "we're the worst-run organization in sports thing" from the Grizzlies lying down"

The Bobcats get an oft-injured center who the Hornets pretty much tried to toss into the garbage last year, and all they had to give up was their most promising big man who would certainly garner All Star attention if he didn't have that whole "I was drafted with Dwight Howard" thing hanging over his head. -Oh, and the neon orange mark of death on his jersey.

Seriously, at what point do fans just throw their hands up and say, "Screw this shit. They're not even trying to be competitive anymore." As a Marlins fan, I've seen the team unload its stars several times, but at least they did it intelligently and have fielded competitive teams every 6 years or so (if you go by the rule of 6, the Marlins should win the World Series again this season). The Bobcats, meanwhile, have made it obvious with this move that while the team is looking for new ownership they are bound to be in a quagmire of feces talent-wise.

So, here are some grades:

Hornets: B

The Hornets acquire a worthy big man to supplement the underrated (except for Chris Paul) talent on their team. All they had to give up was a player who was only on their team for failing a physical last season with another team.

Bobcats: W-

Chandler must be holding a gun to his head as I write this, looking at the prospect of being coached by Larry Brown and playing alongside such immense talent as Boris Diaw. Tough luck, kid.

Hedo For The Win

Hedo rapping and doing a silly little dance?  Glorious.

Matt Barnes With The No-Look!

Matt Barnes has signed a two-year deal with the comically stacked Orlando Magic. It is his 800th team in 5 years. Matt Barnes is a guy who rarely is seen off the court in interviews, so despite his decent production he is not anywhere near a household name. It's a shame he isn't interviewed more, because he seems like an interesting personality. He is super kind, but has the insane tattoos of a brawler.

Maybe the reason he isn't interviewed more is his COMPLETE INABILITY TO LOOK AT THE PERSON INTERVIEWING HIM!



Come ON, Matt. I'm sure you saw somewhere that it looked cool to look off while you got interviewed, but this is just silly. It would have been great for the cameraman and interviewer to walk away after a question and just leave Matt talking to himself and looking off.

The Sporting News: Realistic NBA Rankings Go!

I love The Sporting News Magazine. It's one of the few pleasures I enjoy on the subway to work whilst a homeless guy pees on my shoes. I especially love Sean Deveney, who typically hits the nail on the head with his NBA analysis.

So, to my surprise, I was shocked to find something that was a bit off in Deveney's latest NBA article. I flicked the pee off of my shoes and examined closer. The article was about looking forward to next season, and ranking the teams from top to bottom ridiculously early.

I've attached the top 4 teams. See if there is something that looks a bit off to you:

Sporting News Early 2009-2010 NBA Rankings:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Wizards
4) Magic

The Wizards? Surely this had to be a misprint. I went online to SportingNews.com and checked. The online power rankings from indeed told a different story:

1) Lakers
2) Cavaliers
3) Trailblazers
4) Magic

This isn't AS batshit insane as the previous ranking, but still is solidly under the "batshit insane" monicker. The #3 spot in this article had to be some sort of fan write-in promotion. Add the fact that TheSportingNews.com spelled Sean's name wrong (Shawn...what were they THINKING?!) and you have what can only be described as "the complete and utter destruction of credibility". Feel free to disagree with me. I can only assume the homeless guy peeing on my shoes is a Wizards fan. He does sorta look like Flip Saunders.

Welcome To A Love Life With RJ, Ladies

I keep hearing from people that Richard Jefferson is a jerk in nice guy clothing.  There have been more than a few articles over the year saying the guy is a prima donna whiner who pisses off everyone in his locker room.  RJ has mastered the art of politics though, often appearing on talk shows with an "aw shucks" demeanor.  F that.

The New York Post is reporting that Spurs signee Richard Jefferson is now an officially documented jackass.  Apparently he left his girlfriend at the altar, ONE HOUR before the wedding, leaving his friends and family there waiting...not to mention the poor girl.  

The worst part?  The guy is such an ass that the girlfriend isn't even that shocked:

The would-be bride was stunned, but "not entirely caught off-guard" by Jefferson's unsportsmanlike conduct, according to a family friend.

Wow.  Now, THAT is pretty bad.  The guy must kill puppies in his spare time to have no one be surprised he would do such a thing.

Here's a fun little video of fellow Nets players hating RJ.  Enjoy!

Examining The Four Team Marion Dilly

I love how stoned-looking Marion is in that picture.

According to ESPN, a mind-bending four-team deal is on the verge of completion.  The deal would send Shawn Marion to Dallas, allow Toronto more money for Turk by pulling off a sign and trade, give the Grizzlies yet more money and cash to throw in the gutter, and give the Magic a 7 million dollar trade exception to go shopping in free agency.

So what do we think about it?  Hmmm...

Mavericks:  The Mavs, obviously, got the big name in the deal in Marion.  With resigning J-Kidd, their lineup suddenly looks pretty damn good with Kidd, Terry, Josh Howard, Marion, Nowitzki, and Nowitzki's crazy-ass girlfriend (notice I didn't mention Dampier.  -I'm trying to make a point that this team is GOOD).  Frankly, as much talk as there is of Marion being a "team cancer" and having a bad attitude, his abilities lift the Mavs up exponentially.  I have long wanted Marion on the Magic, and being part of this bizarre 4-way deal is as close as I'll likely ever get.

Raptors:  The Raptors were wise to be part of this trade because not only did they get Antoine Wright and Devean George, but they keep their $5.9 million trade exception.  Having this trade exception means that the Raptors have a valuable trading chip in free agency moves moving forward, or free up money to sign up Carlos Delfino.  With them sending out Marion and bringing in Turk, it also allows them to be more European and whiter, two things the Raptors and Jazz covet more than anything.

Grizzlies:  Honestly, any attempt for anyone to explain the reasons behind ANY Grizzlies moves is futile.  Here, it seems that the overwhelming thing that they get is the chance to buy out Jerry Stackhouse's contract and create cap space for the future.  -You know, to sign all of those free agents that can't wait to move to Memphis Tennessee and watch OJ Mayo throw up circus shots.

Magic:  The Magic were apparently the last second team that hopped in and allowed this trade to work, and looking at what they get it's shocking they were not involved from the start.  For, well...just letting Turk leave, they get a (reported) 7 million dollar trade exception.  They can use this money to add depth to their team or go after one more big name (David Lee?  Paul Milsap?  Dirk Nowitzki's girlfriend?).

At the end of the day, the trade helped everyone with the possible exception being the Grizzlies.  -Just the way every good trade should.

Boston Ups Its Jackass Quotient

Sheed, perhaps the least likeable player in the NBA since Kobe matured, is off to the team that many can argue is the least likeable team at the moment.  Yes, "Sir White Hair Spot" is off to Boston, giving them this ridiculous starting 5:

K. Garnett

R. Wallace

P. Pierce

R. Allen

R. Rondo

I'm curious when the vegas odds for favorites to win the NBA finals come out, because I will bet the house on that team.  Add in Kendrick Perkins and Eddie House, who both seriously matured in extended minutes during last year's playoffs, and this team is terrifying.

Ron-Ron to the Lakers and now this?  The talent in the NBA pool seems to be completely out of sorts lately.  Do you even watch this upcoming season if you are a fan of a team like the Bucks?  Okay, bad example.  -But even good teams like the Nuggets and Mavs suddenly look like they shouldn't even try against powerhouses like the Celtics, Lakers, Cavs and (should they get another quality free agent) the Magic.

Ah, who gives a crap.  It's the offseason.  Let's worry about that in three months time.  TIME FOR NUDE BEACH VOLLEYBALL!

Quick, Gimme Something That Rhymes With Grizzly...

...because Zach Randolph is on his way to Memphis in exchange for the guy who was once engaged to Brandy! Still don't get it? Let's revisit this famous quote from Randolph when he was a co-chairman of the Jail Blazers:

I'm not a Blazer, I'm a gangsta.

Genius....

PS: I think both players would be happy with their new homes. Q was going to be on a bad team anyway, but now he can lounge on the beach and bring back the double-fisted head bump to LA. And for Z-Bo? Well, Memphis will have all the ribs that he can shove down his fat face!